Talk Page 8

  “What do you think?” I asked her.

  “I don’t care as long as he’s not here.” Mary said honestly.

  “I think he’s happy.” I said trying to be positive. “Do you think it’ll last?”

  “He’s probably been drinking.” Mary said. “He just doesn’t want you to know.”

  A few weeks later I saw Dad. He was sitting in a restaurant, he looked good, he was in clean work clothes that were thick and warm for the winter. He was talking with a woman who looked younger than me and holding a glass of cranberry juice in his hand. I was about to knock on the glass but thought better of it and kept walking.

  Chapter Nineteen

  One morning right before the start of fall semester for my junior year Mom invited Dad over to the apartment for dinner. He had started sleeping over again on the couch when he came to visitor was in the city. Mary always found a reason to be out whenever he was over but Mom didn’t seem to mind. Everyone had settled into their routines, work, school, dinner. The smell of starch and butter was heavy in the air. Mom gave Mary and I two big bowls full of Pasta Alfredo, I was surprised because I had never realized that she was a good cook and then that she had just never had anything to cook with for us while we were growing up.

  Soft piano music flitted through the apartment. Mom poured two glasses, one with wine and one with alcohol. Dad came in dressed in tan slacks and a button up, his hair was combed and slicked down and he actually had flowers (lilies) for Mom. She took them with a big smile, toasted everyone and halfway through dinner she said that she had met someone at the college, a man, the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man named Bob. She poured herself a second glass and told Dad that she had been talking with a lawyer and was filing for divorce.

  Nobody was more shocked than Dad. Mary started laughing, I was speechless and Dad, Dad was sitting there so quietly with this scrunched up look on his face. It took me a moment before I realized that he was trying not to cry. Mary had stopped laughing now. Only Mom was happy she took the plates from the table and started washing the dishes. I looked at Dad who had hunched over in his seat. I felt like crying too. I felt sorry for him despite everything that he had done.

  ***

  It was on a cold night in November when Mary and I were going to see a movie with Mom and then meet her new boyfriend (and wasn’t that weird to think let alone say out loud) Bob at Belluci’s a little Italian restaurant a few blocks away. Mom was all smiles all the time, she had been in a good mood since early October. I don’t think she had seen Dad or even talked to him since. Mom talked about Bob constantly, how handsome he was, how charming he was, how he was getting his bachelors, and how they had the same hobbies and tastes. I didn’t care. I was apathetic about Bob as Mary was about Dad. I hated change, I liked my little routine and I didn’t want anything or anyone to throw a wrench in it.

  I hadn’t been able to eat much or to sleep, I felt like a little kid again waiting for the other shoe to drop. The stress was killing me. Dad had been quiet, Mary had been staying out of everyone’s way, Mom had been the only person who was happy.

  I asked her once when I found her going over wedding catalogues if she wasn’t taking things to fast.

  “Oh Susie,” Mom said. “I don’t really care what you or your sister think or anyone else. I’ve spent years taking care of you two girls and making sure you had a good life. It’s my turn to be happy now.”

  I laughed at Mom when she said that and when she asked me why I was laughing. Which only made me laugh harder. Good life who was she kidding? When I asked her Mom had only looked at me with a blank expression and I realized that she actually thought she had given us a good life. She was just that delusional. I had a headache all throughout the movie, some loud action flick with lots of explosions. I could barely concentrate. Mary had told me that now that Mom was dating Bob and possible something more that we should kick her out of the apartment now. I hadn’t said yes. But I hadn’t said no either. I had left ‘home’ so that Dad wouldn’t drag us down with him. I was afraid that if things didn’t go well between Mom and Bob that she would come back to us and that terrified me.

  After the movie we drove to Belluci’s and waited at a table for him for almost an hour. Mom was nervous but excited and kept up a running commentary about how nice and handsome he was, I was worried at the thirty minute mark that Mom had made him up. Mary ordered another soda and told Mom that if things were this serious with Bob and he felt the way about her that she felt about him she should move in with him.

  “What is wrong with you?” I hissed at her.

  “I want our apartment back, and it’s not like she’s even here that much anyway she’s always up at UNI.” Mary said crossing her arms.

  “Stop it both of you. I don’t want you to ruin tonight for me. Why can’t you support me? Be happy for me?” Mom asked Mary.

  “Since when did you ever support us? You’ve been getting a free ride ever since you came back to Manhattan because Susie is a doormat and willing to let you and Dad walk all over her but I’m sick of it. I already told Dad to get the rest of his stuff this week or I was donating it.” Mary said and when it looked like Mom wasn’t taking her seriously she gave her an ultimatum. “I’ll be packing up your stuff tomorrow, anything you want to keep come get this weekend. And leave your key when you do.”

  “That apartment is my home. Why are you doing this? tonight of all nights?” Mom asked her with tears in her eyes.

  “Because I actually pay rent to live there and I don’t remember it being your home after Dad trashed it and Susie had to call the cops.” Mary said.

  Mom’s face turned white with rage at that reminder, she had never forgiven me for calling the police even though she had left us to deal with Dad.

  Mom looked ready to slap her.

  “Is that him?” I asked Mom quickly pointing at the blue ford that pulled in front of the restaurant. Mom jumped out of her seats and ran over to the door.

  “Be nice,” I said to Mary. She rolled her eyes but she didn’t say no and she didn’t leave so I took it as a small win. Mom was waiting by the hood of his car, I watched him climb out he was tall, with thick brown hair. When he walked in with Mom (holding hands ew) I could see a few wrinkles on his face, a few freckles, and he had dark brown eyes. He had a nice smile but so did Dad. I decided to keep a open mind.

  “Hello ladies,” Bob said looking between Mary and I. Mom was practically jumping and down before she planted a big wet kiss on his cheek and another on his mouth. I wa shocked. I had never seen Mom kiss anyone before, she had hugged Mary and I and there had been the few kisses between Mom and Dad but never anything like this. Never with Dad. It made something turn in my stomach. Mary was making over exaggerated gagging noises until I kicked her under the table.

  “You must be Bob.” I said.

  Mom was looking at him with moony eyes and was smiling so big that I could practically see all of her teeth. I had never seen her look at Dad like that. She loved him but not like she loved Bob. She was over the moon, she was crazy about him and I knew that this could only end badly.

  “Do you all know what you want to eat?” Bob asked.

  “No,” I answered when Mary didn’t answer. “We were waiting for you guys.”

  “Okay, I’m hungry want to start off with some mozzarella sticks while we look?” Bob asked pulling out Mom’s chair before taking his own seat.

  We made small talk over pizza and chicken and when I left the restaurant I felt better about the whole situation, Bob was nice too nice but I figured that was me being paranoid because I wasn’t used to it from Dad.

  ***

  That weekend Dad came back to the apartment to get the rest of his things. Just some clothes really, he had already moved most of his stuff out months ago. Dad and I hadn’t really talked much since the big fight.

  “What’s wrong sugar,” Dad asked. “Sad to your old man leaving?”

  “Have you talked to Mom about, Bob?” I asked him ins
tead of answering.

  “I love that woman but you’re old enough to know that your mother is a whore.” he said. “This isn’t the first man she’s been with behind my back and it won’t be the last.”

  “Well Dad,” I said meanly, “Can you really blame her?”

  He kicked one of the kitchen stools hard enough for it to slide across the floor and for the leg to snap in half.

  “You shut your mouth,” he said angrily. “You’re not too old for me to give you a whipping.”

  “You’re in my house.” I said getting angry myself. “And that is the last time you break something of mine.”

  “You’ve all been mooching off of me for years, for years I have worked to support this family and this is the thanks I get.”

  “That stool cost me twenty five dollar,” I said coldly.

  Dad sneered at me but pulled a bunch of crumpled bills from his pocket and threw them on the table.

  “You and your sister are a bunch of ungrateful moochers. This is all your mother’s fault. First she turned your sister against me and now she’s gotten her hooks into you to.”

  “What do we have to be grateful for?” I asked him starting to scream. “Never having a normal life, all the drinking, the stealing, the running? Why did we have to move so much Dad? What did you do huh?” I was yelling now I was screaming I couldn’t stop. “You’re the reason that we left, you're the reason that Mom left. This is all your fault. Your fault!”

  Dad didn’t say anything, his jaw was working and his face was doing that screwed up thing but I didn’t feel sorry for him this time.

  “I know you don’t mean that.” he said. “You’re just upset.”

  “No Dad,” I said my hands clenched into fists. “I do.”

  I’m not sure who swung first but I was punching him as hard as I could in the stomach and the chest with all of my strength. He shoved me back hard enough to knock the wind out of me, I tasted blood in my mouth but he hadn’t hit me, I had only bit my tongue. Dad put his foot on my chest and leaned over me.

  “I know you’re upset so I’ll let you have that, but if you ever, Ever hit me again little girl I will bury you.” Dad said quietly. “You hear me?” he pushed down on my chest with his foot.

  “Yes,” I croaked. I could barely see him through the tears.

  “I can’t hear you.” Dad said.

  “YES.” I said.

  When he left I crawled into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.

  Chapter Twenty

  At school one morning in February I was pulled out of class and sent in to see my college Advisor in his office.

  “Good morning Susie,” Mrs. Green said leaning over the desk. She had big bushy eyebrows, dark brown eyes, a nice smile and dark hair that was covered in a few small dandruff flakes.

  “Good morning.” I said.

  “So,” she said lacing his fingers together. “How are things going at home?”

  I leaned back in my chair, “They’re fine.” I said uncomfortably.

  “May I ask why I’m here?” I asked her.

  “Your teachers have said you’ve been missing deadlines, you haven’t been keeping up with your tutoring sessions, and it looks like you’ve lost some weight,” she said. “If you need to cut back some of your hours or need me to talk to the student aid office with you I can. But how are things? Really.”

  I had quit my job at the bank after Dad had managed to track me down, drunk and angry, he broke a window and two lamps and some of the furniture in the waiting room cursing at me, about Mary and Mom.

  Then he’d looked at me, at security guards and the mess and let them take him into the back office. I quit that afternoon. I had been looking for a new job since. Money had been tight, I had a couple hundred dollars saved up and my student aid and welfare but there wasn’t much to eat at the apartment. Mary now a senior in high school got by with breakfast and lunch from the school. I had, had to bur new holes in my belt to keep my pants up and taken to wearing long wool skirts that were easy to mend and easy to take in.

  “How’s your sister doing?” she asked.

  “Fine.” I said with a forced smile.

  “And your Mom?” she asked. “Is she still thinking of transferring to NYU?” She was fishing. She wanted to know if Mom was still living with me in the apartment. Mom was still on welfare and student aid too and the checks were sent to the residence she was supposed to be living in.

  “No,” I said. “I think she’s going to finish up at Niagara.”

  “That’s a long way to travel.” she said.

  I smiled. I wasn’t going to tell him that after Mary had kicked Mom out she had moved in with her boyfriend only a mile away from the university, that Dad had fallen off of the wagon so hard he had practically taken up residence in a bar, and that I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to afford the apartment.

  But I didn’t say any of that too Mrs. Green because she was the nosiest person alive and a horrible gossip (think helen lovejoy from the simpsons) it didn’t matter if she was supposed to keep things private or confidential. Anything that was said in her office got out, how much you paid, how much aid you got, what was going on in your life, who you were dating. Mrs. Green had her favorites, the football team, the cheerleaders, it was obvious to anyone with half a brain she had peaked in high school and was stuck in that mindset.

  “Susie I want you to know if you ever need someone to talk to about school or your home life I’m here,” she said. “I’m here to help and to listen.”

  My parents are getting divorced, my sister won’t stop celebrating, my sad hates all of us, my Mom is so focused on her boyfriend it’s like we don’t exist. I haven’t heard back from any of the places I had applied to and I didn’t want to end up on the streets or in a shelter again because I would kill myself before I let that happen. And that terrified me.

  “I’m fine.” I said. She looked at me, I stared back at her then grabbed my backpack and got up to leave.

  “I heard about your parents,” she said and my hand stilled on the door knob. “My parents went through a divorce, I know how hard it can be. So if you need some time, or if you need someone to talk to about it you can come to me. About anything. Even your Mom’s new boyfriend, I heard that he’s nice but he can never replace your Dad.”

  I looked over my shoulder at her.

  She was giving me a big toothy earnest smile. I wanted to slap her. Even if she was a gossip I wanted to know where all of this help was when I was growing up? I tucked my hair back behind my ear and smiled back at her.

  “If I wanted a shoulder to cry on you would be the last person on earth I would ever fucking go to.” I said sweetly.

  “Did you need me for anything else because I’ve already missed half of my economics class?”

  Mrs. Green looked like I had punched her. Her face had gone red and her mouth opened and closed like a fish.

  She demanded I apologize to her for my language and that just because I was going through something difficult didn’t give me an excuse to be rude.

  “No,” I said. “You want to ask me about my family, talk about my Mom about my Dad so you can twist everything I said and tell all of your friends about it and you want me to apologize to you?”

  “I’m twenty six years old and if I want to say the word fucking I will.” I said and then I left, took the subway home curled up in the bed and tried to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty One

  After two months I still hadn’t found a steady job, money was tight, Mary who had stayed with me through everything was chipping in (she had gotten a job at a diner) I was working as a dishwasher and pastry chef (I wasn’t that good but thankfully it was more prepwork than anything else) for an old German restaurant that served traditional cuisine. I would come home late smelling like Bratwurst and streusel, we got our food for free while we worked during the lunch and dinner shifts so I would bring home as much as I could.

  I called Mom in Niagara
and explained our situation.

  “What do you want me to do about it?” she asked me.

  “Can you help us?” I asked her.

  “Listen you caught me at a bad time Bob is taking me out for dinner, ask your Dad.” Mom said before she hung up. Things had been going great for Mom, she and Bob had moved into a new apartment, and even though she was now working for a bank and had gotten a lot of Dad’s money (more money than we had known that he had had that he had hidden away) in the divorce settlement. Money that she was busy spending on her new life.

  I reminded her how Mary and I had taken her in when she didn’t have any money and let her stay for years without contributing but she had only laughed and said we were supposed to take care of her. She was our mother.

  Mom was unreliable. I went to go see Dad, I hadn’t spoken to him since he had come into the bank but I figured he owed me after costing me my job and Mom. And a part of me missed him. I waited until thursday, the last day before the rent was due before I went to go see him. Dad was still working at the bar, the owner let him rent the apartment above it but I had never seen it. When I walked in he raised an empty glass to me and cheered.

  “There she is,” he said. “What’d I tell you boys? She’s pretty as a picture.”

  The ‘boys’ were his customers, old fat drunks who never seemed to go anywhere or do anything but always had money to pay off their tabs.

  “Hey Dad.” I said and gave him a quick hug.

  “What’s wrong,” he asked.

  I told him about my money problems and school and how I had lost my job and didn’t know if I was going to be able to pay rent and how student aid, welfare and my scholarships covered most of my tuition I didn’t have enough to contribute to that either and that I might have to quit school to keep the apartment.

  “Say no more.” he said and scolded me for not coming to him sooner. He went into the back room and came out with a small brown paper bag filled with old twenties. It was about three thousand dollars.